struggle

okay people, the struggle is real right now. as i was at the gym tonight walking on the treadmill working out way easier than i should have been i started thinking. why can't i break past this first part of going strong. i always start out so good. i mean this time i've lost more weight than ever before yet last week i didn't go to the gym once! not even a single time! what the? i have no excuse. i have a babysitter living in the same house as me. my kids go to bed at 7 and i have a gym pass. so why didn't i just get off my butt and go? and why am i still eating so bad? i mean, if i'm being real, i am eating way better than i was before i started this whole life change a few months ago but i need to be doing so much better. but i swear i get hungry and all i can think about is what i am craving at that exact moment and i can't stop thinking about it until i have it. and then i usually feel insanely guilty after i'm done and yet i do it again the next time i'm hungry. i think my biggest problem is that i am just uneducated on how to eat clean and healthy. so i've just been making small little choices. but i need to be better then that. i can do better than what i'm doing right now. i can be better. it's like, i just need to get out of my own head if that makes any sense at all.

i haven't had a diet coke in months. months!! and just recently i've been feeling that urge like i want to start drinking it again. now that would be tragic. i don't need that junk i'm my body. (yes, i just called diet coke junk) but for some reason it's just been sounding so good to me. but i'm holding strong. i am not giving into that again. i also have been drinking way less water which is hurting me a ton. i've noticed that i've been getting head aches more often now and i swear it's because i'm not drinking enough water. so i've got to get back on that. i swear drinking lots of water helps everything. i seriously think i need to take a class on nutrition. or i just need people to send me good healthy recipes and ideas for good lunches and breakfasts. 

i've been in  a little bit of a funk lately but i am still determined. i've had a few set backs but i know how much happier i will be if i get healthy. and i want that so bad. i want that more than i want a big fat plate of nachos. i just need to remind myself that every time i am craving a big fat plate of nachos. speaking of nachos.. yum. haha just kidding. but really. i want this. and i am going to do this. but it is hard and i feel like i need to document the struggles that i have. not just the victories. because this is real life. and real life is hard. but it's worth it and it will be even more worth it when i get to where i want to be.