Friday, April 1, 2016

lots of heartbreak

just a heads up, this post is kind of a bummer post but i just feel like writing it out. life has been kind of crummy lately. and thats just putting it nicely. it has been really hard to stay positive and not just turn into a sad crazy person. 

so first off curtis' brother, alex died and it is just the saddest most awful thing. he had so much life ahead of him and he was such a fun kid. he was only 24. my kids loved him so much and he was one of their favorite things about visiting utah. they loved to run around with him and wrestle with him and he was so good with them. i miss him a lot. it breaks my heart knowing that when we go back to utah that we won't see him. it just doesn't seem fair. but thank goodness for the plan of salvation. i know he is in a better place right now and that he is no longer in pain and i know that we will see him again. but for now.. we miss him a lot.

then we moved... this was our 13th move since we got married and it was by far the hardest move and i have been struggling a bit with it. and really so has brooklynn. i made some of the best friends i have ever made in houston. i'm not kidding some of the greatest people in the world. people i could spend every day with and not get sick of because they are just that cool. and i miss them a lot. i have met a few people out here who are so great and i know it is all going to work out but i just miss my houston people so much. and brooklynn... oh man she is struggling maybe worse than me. we pulled her out of preschool 2 months early to move here and just started summer early.. so she went from being in school 3 times a week and constantly being with friends and doing activities to pretty much just hanging out at home with me and quinn and it is showing how bored she is which has been really hard.. since we moved here i haven't been the mom i want to be because my mind has just been preoccupied with other things which brings us to phase 3 of my complaining.. 

unfortunately i had another miscarriage which makes this my second one in 5 months. i'm so sad about it even though i hadn't even let myself get excited about it because i just had a feeling this was going to happen. but really it doesn't make it any better. especially being in a new place where i didn't know anyone. it happened right when i lost my awesome support group. and on top of that curtis works monday through friday from 7-6:30 and isn't even allowed to have his phone on so i cannot talk to him all day. it just made everything a little bit harder than it already was. luckily i met some people out here who were able to help me out with my surgery, and i will be forever grateful to those people.

it's so hard to stay positive when it feels like everything is going wrong around you. but i'm hoping to turn over a new leaf.. i'm hoping to start new. i need to remember all of the amazing things that i have and that dwelling on all of the bad is doing nothing but hurting me and those around me. so even though things have been rough here's to looking up.. here's to good things happening and looking for the positive! and here's to reminiscing about mexico.. i need to go back.. again.. sorry about all the complaining!