Sunday, November 8, 2015

loss

this past week has been one of the worst weeks i have ever had to endure. it all started last friday, which happened to also be my birthday, when i went to the bathroom and had an unexpected gush of blood. i was really scared so i called my doctor's office and spoke to her nurse who told me that since my doctor was in an emergency c section that i needed to go to the emergency room asap. 

i got to the er and told them what was going on, how i was just under 10 weeks pregnant and that i had some spotting going on. they got me right back and i thought it was going to be a quick in and out situation that was just going to give me peace of mind. that is not quite how it all worked out. after i got in the room it took about 30 minutes for the doctor to come ask me what was going on. after i explained it all to him he told me i was going to have a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. so about 45 minutes later the nurse came in and put me on this super uncomfortable wedge thing and told me the doctor would be right in.. well after about 20 minutes of being on said wedge i finally just got off of it because my back was hurting so badly being on it. about 15 min later the doctor finally came back in to do the pelvic exam and told me that everything looked good and that the ultrasound tech would be right in to take me to get my ultrasound.. 45 minutes later the ultrasound tech came and got me and took me to the worst 15 minutes of my life. i have had many ultrasounds and they have all been extremely happy. now, i have had a lot of friends who have had miscarriages lately and they all tell me the same thing which was about how awful the "silent ultrasound" is.. the tech usually will let you hear the heartbeat and see your baby's features but when there is something wrong the tech is not allowed to tell you anything so they are just silent. and that is how i knew.. i laid there while this young sweet girl tried her hardest to keep a neutral face but had watery eyes. the whole 15 minutes i was in that room she did not say more than two words me even though i was silently crying my eyes out. she then silently wheeled me back to my room. as soon as i got back to my room i just couldn't hold it in anymore. i was crying pretty hard when the doctor came in and said to me, "aww what's wrong?! why are you crying?!" seriously? he was the worst by the way. i just said back, "i just don't know what's going on and i would like to know what's going on." he told me he was going right now to look at my ultrasound results and that he would be right back with answers. i then had to sit in that horrible awful room for another hour before he came back to tell me that they could not find fetal heart tones which meant that it was a very high chance of me having a miscarriage. a high chance? i'm pretty sure if there is no heart beat that means i'm having a miscarriage. gosh this doctor was the awful. he then told me that he was going to leave the room for a few minutes so i could "pull myself together." after 4 hours at the er he told me to call my doctor on monday and finally let me go home. 

poor brooklynn had been home all day with curtis decorating our house and preparing to spend my birthday with her so i put on a brave face walked into the house and had a little birthday party with her which did actually help a bit. then saturday was halloween and we did trunk or treat at our church and then went to our friends house to go to a few houses. i only lasted a couple houses because i started cramping so i headed back to pass out candy. i was so happy to get out though because brooklynn was so excited for halloween and she and quinn just looked so dang cute and had so much fun.

then early sunday morning around 3am i started cramping really bad. i mean the worst cramping i have ever experienced in my life. i am not kidding. it was like every period cramp i had ever had was happening all at once. so i got up to go to the bathroom and i just started bleeding a ridiculous amount it was insane and painful and horrible and gory and it scared me a ton. i called the on call nurse who was able to pass me on to my doctor who told me that it was normal and was going to continue for several hours and it did. i know i already said it but it was AWFUL! finally by the afternoon things had calmed down a bit and i was able to take a nap. i thought everything had passed. when i woke up that afternoon i had a pretty sore throat but it just put it at the back of my mind. monday morning i woke up and called my doctor at 8am. i went in that morning and she did an ultrasound only to tell me that i wasn't even close to passing everything and what i had experienced on sunday was only the tip of the iceberg. i had to schedule a d&c for later that week.

monday night things took an even more unexpected turn. all night i could not sleep because my throat was hurting so incredibly bad. i mean i could barely swallow. i don't think i slept for more than 15 minutes it was awful. so tuesday morning i headed to the urgent care only to find out that i had strep throat.. you know because when it rains in pours. i spent all tuesday in bed in the worst throat pain i had every experienced. really it was the week of sadness and pain. i was so worried that it was going to affect when i had the surgery but it needed up being fine. by tuesday night, thanks to antibiotics my throat was feeling a little better. that night my mom and sister decided the fly in the next night to help out on thursday which was when i was scheduled for surgery. 

wednesday i did the best i could to have a normal day with the girls. they both had been so worried about me since i had been spending so much time in bed. it was really starting to affect brooklynn. so wednesday things were pretty normal. my mom and sister flew in late wednesday night. that night again i did not sleep for a single minute because i was so nervous and sad about the surgery the next day. i had to check in at 6am for surgery at 8. everything went smoothly which i am grateful for and i'm even more grateful for my mom and sister who took over my household and made my recovery so smooth and easy. they stayed through the weekend and took care of me and my family and even decorated my house for christmas. it added a little cheer to my bad week. 

physically i am recovery well. emotionally the pain comes and goes. when it comes it consumes me a i feel so sad for the child i have lost. i know it was early but i had plans. plans for this baby. brooklynn was so excited for this baby. i honestly think the hardest part of this whole thing was thinking about how to tell her. i mean, she was asking me every day if the baby was kicking yet and if she could feel. she would talk to me about baby names and how excited she was to have another baby sister or brother. it broke my heart to tell her. she took it pretty well but my heart is broken in two. i always prayed this would not be one of my trials but you don't always get what you want. i am so grateful for the people who have reached out to me to cheer me up and just be there for me. i received flowers and meals and cheery purses of sunshine and had friends come and clean my house for me and people who just sent texts telling me that they were there for me and i can't explain how much that all meant to me. and of course i can't forget to thank my amazing husband who took over for me and let me spend days in bed going though all of this. cleaning the house and taking care of our girls. i am so lucky to have him. 

i have no idea what will happen in the future but i know (hope) the pain of it all with subside soon. 
 photo 86b84dbc-b3cc-4e1f-8dc5-0c3b0db065bc_zps097hke7j.jpg