why are people so unkind?

so, even though i probably shouldn't, i am the kind of person who reads the comments on news stories and articles. i say that i shouldn't because a lot of the time they make me really mad. i feel like people like to say mean things just because they can. they are anonymous and they are hidden behind a computer or phone screen and they say things that they would never say to the persons face. but nonetheless i read them anyway and it just baffles me how mean and judgmental people can be. especially lately this has been weighing heavy on  my mind since there have been some incidents where people are judging parents (mothers specifically) really hard. 

first there was in incident at the cinncinnati zoo where a four year old little boy climbed through a barrier and under fences and fell into the moat of a gorilla enclosure. long story short after the little boy was being dragged around by a 400 lb gorilla the zoo felt it best to shoot and kill the gorilla to save the boy. now, of course i am sad that this gorilla was killed. i absolutely love animals and it breaks my heart that he was killed but i would 100 times over kill any animal endangered or not to save the life of a child. no. questions. asked. but on every single news story or article that covered this event, there were people just absolutely ripping this mother apart and calling her a terrible mother and saying that this whole thing was her fault. this absolutely blows my mind. seriously, it is impossible to keep your eyes are every single child at every single moment. and let me tell you something. kids are fast! they are there one moment and gone the next. they are so curious and they don't really understand how dangerous things are. now, i don't know this mother personally but who am i to judge her? accidents happen every day, all day and they are just that, accidents. i cannot imagine the pain and utter fear that mother must have been going through watching her four year old little boy in the arms of a 400 lb gorilla!! and here people are hating on her calling her a bad mother. don't you think that she's probably beating herself up enough without the judgment of cowardly strangers calling her names? and then people saying that the zoo should not have killed the gorilla and that they should have waited to see what happened? are you kidding me? lets just gamble here and see what happens? maybe the gorilla doesn't hurt the boy and he can get away safely?? or what if the gorilla gets mad and kills him in front of his family and all those other people?? that's really a risk you are willing to take? i don't think so. i'm sorry but an animals life is never more important than a human life. no matter how much you love animals it's just not.

and then just this week a little two year old boy was with his family at a disney world resort and was attacked by an alligator and dragged into the water, while his parents tried to save him and was killed. and the same thing is happening here. tons of people saying these parents are bad parents because this little boy was by the water and not in his parents arms at all times. clearly these people don't have a two year old. it's very rare you find a two year old who wants to be held at all times. even so, they are at a resort and wading in water where there are people all around and they are in water that lots of people wade in. and not to mention these people aren't from florida and so alligators are probably not on the forefront of their minds. what gets me the most is that most of these comments start with "i don't have kids but i know that if i did..." oh please. if you don't have kids then you don't know. you just don't. and you also don't know the pain and suffering this family is going through right now. do i need to remind you that they just watched their two year old  violently dragged into a lake by a giant alligator??!! i mean seriously some people have no heart and no compassion. none. i wish i could meet these people face to face and slap some sense into them. i really know it's not worth my time but i just wish there was a little more compassion. 

parenting is really hard and it is really scary. and losing a child under any circumstance is heart breaking, and though i have never lost a living child i will always have compassion for those who have. always. there is no room for judgement. we are all trying our best and we need to support each other and not tear each other down! 

end rant.

attitude

so this week i have been trying to make a major effort in my attitude. even though there has been a lot of things that have happened lately that have been terrible i am tried of being under a dark cloud. i have been feeling like there having been weights tied to my legs and i've been struggling to put one foot in front of the other to make it though the day. but even though i can't help what happens to me and what happens around me i can do my best to chose to have a good attitude about it. 

this week has been better. even though i've had a few hick ups with my recovery i've noticed a huge change in my attitude throughout the day just by making the conscious choice to do so. i'm not perfect but i am trying and that't got to count for something right?

my last post was on sunshine and i meant it. there is something about getting outside and enjoying the sun and the outside that can be so healing. yesterday the girls and i went downtown to walk around the river that goes through downtown. it was a perfect day and we had so much fun. there were lots of people around and lots of dogs running around and the view was pretty great. even though i don't know many people here in austin yet i am definitely falling in love with this city.

i love this last photo. this was painted up on a bridge and it was exactly what i needed to hear. love that.

lots of heartbreak

just a heads up, this post is kind of a bummer post but i just feel like writing it out. life has been kind of crummy lately. and thats just putting it nicely. it has been really hard to stay positive and not just turn into a sad crazy person. 

so first off curtis' brother, alex died and it is just the saddest most awful thing. he had so much life ahead of him and he was such a fun kid. he was only 24. my kids loved him so much and he was one of their favorite things about visiting utah. they loved to run around with him and wrestle with him and he was so good with them. i miss him a lot. it breaks my heart knowing that when we go back to utah that we won't see him. it just doesn't seem fair. but thank goodness for the plan of salvation. i know he is in a better place right now and that he is no longer in pain and i know that we will see him again. but for now.. we miss him a lot.

then we moved... this was our 13th move since we got married and it was by far the hardest move and i have been struggling a bit with it. and really so has brooklynn. i made some of the best friends i have ever made in houston. i'm not kidding some of the greatest people in the world. people i could spend every day with and not get sick of because they are just that cool. and i miss them a lot. i have met a few people out here who are so great and i know it is all going to work out but i just miss my houston people so much. and brooklynn... oh man she is struggling maybe worse than me. we pulled her out of preschool 2 months early to move here and just started summer early.. so she went from being in school 3 times a week and constantly being with friends and doing activities to pretty much just hanging out at home with me and quinn and it is showing how bored she is which has been really hard.. since we moved here i haven't been the mom i want to be because my mind has just been preoccupied with other things which brings us to phase 3 of my complaining.. 

unfortunately i had another miscarriage which makes this my second one in 5 months. i'm so sad about it even though i hadn't even let myself get excited about it because i just had a feeling this was going to happen. but really it doesn't make it any better. especially being in a new place where i didn't know anyone. it happened right when i lost my awesome support group. and on top of that curtis works monday through friday from 7-6:30 and isn't even allowed to have his phone on so i cannot talk to him all day. it just made everything a little bit harder than it already was. luckily i met some people out here who were able to help me out with my surgery, and i will be forever grateful to those people.

it's so hard to stay positive when it feels like everything is going wrong around you. but i'm hoping to turn over a new leaf.. i'm hoping to start new. i need to remember all of the amazing things that i have and that dwelling on all of the bad is doing nothing but hurting me and those around me. so even though things have been rough here's to looking up.. here's to good things happening and looking for the positive! and here's to reminiscing about mexico.. i need to go back.. again.. sorry about all the complaining! 

loss

this past week has been one of the worst weeks i have ever had to endure. it all started last friday, which happened to also be my birthday, when i went to the bathroom and had an unexpected gush of blood. i was really scared so i called my doctor's office and spoke to her nurse who told me that since my doctor was in an emergency c section that i needed to go to the emergency room asap. 

i got to the er and told them what was going on, how i was just under 10 weeks pregnant and that i had some spotting going on. they got me right back and i thought it was going to be a quick in and out situation that was just going to give me peace of mind. that is not quite how it all worked out. after i got in the room it took about 30 minutes for the doctor to come ask me what was going on. after i explained it all to him he told me i was going to have a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. so about 45 minutes later the nurse came in and put me on this super uncomfortable wedge thing and told me the doctor would be right in.. well after about 20 minutes of being on said wedge i finally just got off of it because my back was hurting so badly being on it. about 15 min later the doctor finally came back in to do the pelvic exam and told me that everything looked good and that the ultrasound tech would be right in to take me to get my ultrasound.. 45 minutes later the ultrasound tech came and got me and took me to the worst 15 minutes of my life. i have had many ultrasounds and they have all been extremely happy. now, i have had a lot of friends who have had miscarriages lately and they all tell me the same thing which was about how awful the "silent ultrasound" is.. the tech usually will let you hear the heartbeat and see your baby's features but when there is something wrong the tech is not allowed to tell you anything so they are just silent. and that is how i knew.. i laid there while this young sweet girl tried her hardest to keep a neutral face but had watery eyes. the whole 15 minutes i was in that room she did not say more than two words me even though i was silently crying my eyes out. she then silently wheeled me back to my room. as soon as i got back to my room i just couldn't hold it in anymore. i was crying pretty hard when the doctor came in and said to me, "aww what's wrong?! why are you crying?!" seriously? he was the worst by the way. i just said back, "i just don't know what's going on and i would like to know what's going on." he told me he was going right now to look at my ultrasound results and that he would be right back with answers. i then had to sit in that horrible awful room for another hour before he came back to tell me that they could not find fetal heart tones which meant that it was a very high chance of me having a miscarriage. a high chance? i'm pretty sure if there is no heart beat that means i'm having a miscarriage. gosh this doctor was the awful. he then told me that he was going to leave the room for a few minutes so i could "pull myself together." after 4 hours at the er he told me to call my doctor on monday and finally let me go home. 

poor brooklynn had been home all day with curtis decorating our house and preparing to spend my birthday with her so i put on a brave face walked into the house and had a little birthday party with her which did actually help a bit. then saturday was halloween and we did trunk or treat at our church and then went to our friends house to go to a few houses. i only lasted a couple houses because i started cramping so i headed back to pass out candy. i was so happy to get out though because brooklynn was so excited for halloween and she and quinn just looked so dang cute and had so much fun.

then early sunday morning around 3am i started cramping really bad. i mean the worst cramping i have ever experienced in my life. i am not kidding. it was like every period cramp i had ever had was happening all at once. so i got up to go to the bathroom and i just started bleeding a ridiculous amount it was insane and painful and horrible and gory and it scared me a ton. i called the on call nurse who was able to pass me on to my doctor who told me that it was normal and was going to continue for several hours and it did. i know i already said it but it was AWFUL! finally by the afternoon things had calmed down a bit and i was able to take a nap. i thought everything had passed. when i woke up that afternoon i had a pretty sore throat but it just put it at the back of my mind. monday morning i woke up and called my doctor at 8am. i went in that morning and she did an ultrasound only to tell me that i wasn't even close to passing everything and what i had experienced on sunday was only the tip of the iceberg. i had to schedule a d&c for later that week.

monday night things took an even more unexpected turn. all night i could not sleep because my throat was hurting so incredibly bad. i mean i could barely swallow. i don't think i slept for more than 15 minutes it was awful. so tuesday morning i headed to the urgent care only to find out that i had strep throat.. you know because when it rains in pours. i spent all tuesday in bed in the worst throat pain i had every experienced. really it was the week of sadness and pain. i was so worried that it was going to affect when i had the surgery but it needed up being fine. by tuesday night, thanks to antibiotics my throat was feeling a little better. that night my mom and sister decided the fly in the next night to help out on thursday which was when i was scheduled for surgery. 

wednesday i did the best i could to have a normal day with the girls. they both had been so worried about me since i had been spending so much time in bed. it was really starting to affect brooklynn. so wednesday things were pretty normal. my mom and sister flew in late wednesday night. that night again i did not sleep for a single minute because i was so nervous and sad about the surgery the next day. i had to check in at 6am for surgery at 8. everything went smoothly which i am grateful for and i'm even more grateful for my mom and sister who took over my household and made my recovery so smooth and easy. they stayed through the weekend and took care of me and my family and even decorated my house for christmas. it added a little cheer to my bad week. 

physically i am recovery well. emotionally the pain comes and goes. when it comes it consumes me a i feel so sad for the child i have lost. i know it was early but i had plans. plans for this baby. brooklynn was so excited for this baby. i honestly think the hardest part of this whole thing was thinking about how to tell her. i mean, she was asking me every day if the baby was kicking yet and if she could feel. she would talk to me about baby names and how excited she was to have another baby sister or brother. it broke my heart to tell her. she took it pretty well but my heart is broken in two. i always prayed this would not be one of my trials but you don't always get what you want. i am so grateful for the people who have reached out to me to cheer me up and just be there for me. i received flowers and meals and cheery purses of sunshine and had friends come and clean my house for me and people who just sent texts telling me that they were there for me and i can't explain how much that all meant to me. and of course i can't forget to thank my amazing husband who took over for me and let me spend days in bed going though all of this. cleaning the house and taking care of our girls. i am so lucky to have him. 

i have no idea what will happen in the future but i know (hope) the pain of it all with subside soon.